"Today started
out like most days. I knew I had an appointment scheduled with an
Endocrinologist, due to some unexplained weight gain...I figured I would go and
explain to them how I have gained some weight...and haven’t been able to lose
it...they would give me some magic medicine and life would be good.
However,
it didn't quite go like
that.
This morning, after
being examined, I was told that I had a nodule on my right Thyroid gland. I was
all good with that bit of info; I asked some questions about what that meant.
The doc said we would just need to have some blood work done and get an ultrasound
of the Thyroid. Then, he said something he shouldn't have said, He said we
needed to check all of this because the nodule could be c*nc*rous.
Feeling overwhelmed with
emotions, fighting back the tears; I did my best to just ask what all of this
meant for me, what would happen if the tests came back normal, or what if they
came back abnormal? The doctor explained to me something about there is only a
5% chance of it being cancer...but y'all, in that moment I didn’t care what
some percentage says.
All I could think was,
"This is my body. I am only 25, almost 26. I am too young. That word
should not be a word I am hearing." I just didn’t understand.
To me that C word
is just about the very worst thing I could hear from a doctor. That word
brings up SO many emotions and feelings..."
You see...
My Dad was diagnosed
with Stage 4 Lymphoma in 1999. Y'all, I was a Daddy's girl and I was only in
3rd grade and just didn't really understand what was going on. I only knew that
my Dad had a shiny, bald head and that he was sick, so sick that he was in the
hospital in Charleston, SC.; 3 hours away from home. I knew that he wasn't with
us at Christmas that year, and my Mom was by his side the whole way.
By the grace of God, my
Dad beat Lymphoma in 1999-2000 but then had a reoccurrence in 2002.
I remember that sinking
feeling of fear and confusion when my parents sat me and my sisters down to tell
us that our Dad had cancer, again. I remember feeling angry and confused. I
remember thinking to myself how much I hated this disease.
However, all praise to
Jesus, my Dad received treatments and the cancer was gone.
Then again in the fall
of 2012, I was a senior at Clemson University; my Dad was diagnosed with tongue
cancer. I didn't actually know what was going on. My parents decided not to
disclose to me that it actually was as bad as it was. I can remember sitting on
our swing in my parents’ back yard with my sister, Hannah. I vividly remember the
conversation we had; I remember Hannah telling me details of what could happen
to our Dad, how he may have to have a feeding tube, or how he could face issues
with his speech. I remember sitting there and crying together. I remember
Hannah reminding me like she always does, that everything would be okay. I
remember Hannah saying that Dad would be okay and that God is a good God and
that we know He will protect our Dad. She reminded me many times how God healed
our Dad before and that we just have to put our faith in Jesus. My Dad ended up
having a good bit of his tongue surgically removed with no complications and to
this day is cancer free, praise be to God!
..."So when the
doctor said that word to me, I was truly in a state of shock and confusion. Right
out of left field it came…, I didn't even know that was a possibility.
To me, Cancer =
confusion, fear, worry...
A short time after I
left my appointment, I spoke to my Dad who shared his own wisdom with me. He
cared, he understood, and he tried to put my mind at ease. He said like he
always does, 'you know Addison; everything is going to be okay. God will take
care of you.
So as I sit here journaling with tears in my eyes, my human
flesh is still full of worry, scary thoughts, and questions; while Jesus is continuously
reminding me that he has me; that this is nothing He cannot handle, that I
am his and he will protect me, no matter what the outcome.” (Journal Entry, 5-10-17)
To me, Jesus = clarity, faith, and certainty
I am still waiting to
get some answers about my health... but there is hope in the waiting; there is
joy in surrendering your worry to the God who made the Universe.
When you do this, a true appreciation comes alive for things
most of the time you just normally bypass because you’re trying to get to point
B, whatever that point B is... For me, it’s slowing down, taking a drive, having
a nice meal, walking the golf course alongside my husband; truly appreciating
the beauty of nature, Spanish moss and the shadiest oak trees remind me of the hope.
No matter what, Jesus is bigger than health scares, he
is bigger than disease, he is bigger than financial issues, and he is bigger
than whatever is going on in your life right now. Jesus has a plan for my life
and he has a plan for your life;
Jeremiah 29:11 says,
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Jeremiah 29:11 says,
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
I am reminded daily of
the hope that I have in Jesus Christ.
The song, No Longer Slaves reminds me, "I'm
no longer a slave to fear. I am a child of God."
During times of
uncertainty, I am reminded of the JOY that I have and where that joy truly comes
from. Truly finding that my joy comes from Christ is a beautiful thing. I can
live joyfully because of Jesus, not because of my circumstances.
James 1:2-3 says, "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of
various kinds, for you know that the testing of your
faith produces steadfastness."
Even when days are hard,
when life seems so all up in your face, like it's coming at you like a speeding
car head on, I choose hope. I choose joy. He is faithful. He is all knowing. He
is Father. As the song Ever Be says,
"Your praise will ever be on my lips." Jesus, through the good, the
bad, even the unsure times of life, I choose praise, I choose to be joyful, I
choose to put my hope in the one who made it all.
I have faith that no
matter what happens to me, I serve a good God; and I will choose to be joyful
all the days of my life.
Until next time
xo,
Addie
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